If you know infomercials, you likely know ExtenZe, the quote-unquote “male enhancement product” that can make a man “larger”, “bigger” and lots of other vague phrases that amount to the same thing: big dick.
Fair enough, I suppose. Although the motivation is a lot more base than other infomercials covered here thus far, which generally claim to turn your health and/or finances around, the fact that ExtenZe has been around on television for around seven years, it’s likely pulled in more money from infomercials than John Beck and Montel William’s dear friend Brian Hyder combined. Yes, even including Brian’s Morgan silver dollar.
ExtenZe was originally pimped out by Ron Jeremy himself, but that was way back in 2002. All that remains of those bygone days are a few VHS videos copied to YouTube, so forgive me if we skip forward to the second most recent set of infomercials where we get to tune into our (my) favourite syndicated authentic TV show; Sex Talk with, as Google tells me, soft core porn ‘star’ Frank Mercuri and aspiring actress (aren’t they all) Bridgetta Tomarchio.
Check out the subtly phallic table piece. All class.
Check out the subtly phallic table piece. All class.
We kick things off with the ultimate way to attack men’s insecurities; have a bunch of “women on the street” (and no, I don’t mean THAT kind of woman on the street. Not yet, anyway) remark, in front of their boyfriends, that they wish their partners were “bigger”, the ExtenZe vernacular for “had an engorged penis.”
In the studio, we have Bridgetta Tomato and her weird hair and Frank “too embarrassed to give a last name”, remark, just for emphasis, that all those women on the street (not yet) wanted their men to be bigger. They then remark that there’s this awesome new product, called Ex… something, I don’t remember, exists and will rock your world. Frank points out that with a drug-enhanced schlong any man wouldn’t be able to move for all the bodacious babes willing to get it on, no matter how insecure they may be. It turns out that Bridgetta had already gone street walking (no, not yet!) and found the men interesting and their wives “cute”. Implied lesbian activity always peaks my interest, so I’m willing to give Bridgetta a shot.
We cut to Bridgetta on the streets of California, and it is windy and possibly a bit chilly, as her protruding nipples would indicate. She then announces her intent, to see if any guys out there have heard of ExtenZe and have they ever tried it. Bridgetta then hijacks a couple and within 20 seconds any credibility this infomercial may have had falls apart with this dialogue.
Bridgetta “Have you ever heard of ExtenZe.”
Guy “Yeah… yeah, I’m using it, actually.”
Girl “Yeah, he is.”
Tiiiiiiimber! I could wrap this review up right now as this show has crashed and burned. Okay, I guess it is possible that a random man on the street will volunteer that he takes “male enhancement” but, to be honest, I don’t want to know that man, or walk on the same side of the street as him. He then lets us know, while veins on his head pulse maniacally, that ExtenZe makes him “a hell of a lot bigger”. Also, the very first day he started using it, his girlfriend noticed a huge difference. What? Way to go, micro-peen. Girlfriend then does her part for male-female relations by stating if her man ever stops using the product, they are OVER. Argh, my insecurities! Must… buy… ExtenZe… must… attain… gargantuan… penis… to… have… fulfilling… relationships…
Why wouldn't he be happy? His girlfriend just holds him hostage with his drug-enhanced penis, that's all.
Why wouldn't he be happy? His girlfriend just holds him hostage with his drug-enhanced penis, that's all.
It’s then suddenly eight hours later and Bridgetta asks another man (with partner) if he has ever heard of ExtenZe, he too instantly puts forward the fact that he is “currently on it” with benefits to his “sex drive” and “power”, if you know what he means. Baaaarrrrrffffff! Suddenly it’s morning again, as a “foreign” man when pressed on where he heard about ExtenZe, states he heard it “through advertising”. Now that’s market research you can bank on. Bridgetta then asks if he was so happy with the product that he ripped holes in his partner’s jeans. I am not sure what this means, but if it means what I think it does then I wouldn’t take ExtenZe if you paid me. I’m sorry, but I do not need a razor edged penis capable of impromptu tailoring. He then remarks that after using ExtenZe he had the “very satisfying sex and it was great”. Jesus Christ, I don’t need to know!
We then just cut to some other woman apparently sitting on a stool who just tells us ExtenZe will make you bigger, so take it, you jerk. She does break out my favourite ExtenZe euphemism for cock; “a special area of the male body”. Then some other completely random woman tells us it doesn’t matter how old you are, it’ll work. Hope that redistribution of blood flow doesn’t cause a poor guy to faint. Following that, we get a wacky little skit involving a couple. I am compelled to transcribe this in full because I believe pain is to be shared.
Act 1
Woman “Hey, honey. What do you have there.”
Man “I’ve ordered a male enhancement product called ExtenZe.”
Woman “Male enhancement? You mean like building more muscles?”
Man “No! You know, “male enhancement”?”
Woman “Oooh, really? Does that really work?”
Act 2
Woman “Wow, how much enhancing does ExtenZe do?”
Man hands her a brochure which apparently has before and after pictures of penises for him to peruse
Woman “That’s male enhancement all right!”
Fin. I think, honestly, it supplanted Waiting for Godot as my favourite play of all time.
What is that behind Stool Lady? A sand worm? A scene from Dune? A malformed wang?
What is that behind Stool Lady? A sand worm? A scene from Dune? A malformed wang?
Back to the Sex Talk studios and Frank reminds us of tonight’s topic; Sex! Bridgetta lets us know that three brave women have stepped up to talk about their love lives. They are Laura, Lisa and Kim. They agreed to this because talking about sex is so much more awesome than, say, participating in the hobby. Bridgetta then drops the, as she phrases it “big, pardon the pub” question. Does size matter. The ladies remark that love and consideration for a partner’s preferences and vice versa is what matters. Haha, no, the gist is, these three ladies only learned to enjoy and value sex when they did it with men with 24 inches of American steel protruding between their thighs, rendering their vaginas canyon-esque wastelands. I need ExtenZe! If not, I will never have a meaningful relationship! That’s it, I’m tying some barbells to my genitals, don’t you try and stop me!
By the way, Frank comes off as very smooth during this. Not in a good way, but smooth due to the sheer amount of slime dripping from him. However, happily, this is just a facade. You can actually get to see the real Frank on Blind Date’s Hall of Shame in the video below. He’s single, ladies!
Kim compares bad sex to your favourite baseball team making the play-offs, proceeding to the final game and then dropping a ball, or something. We are also informed that when any woman, ever remarks that she is satisfied with you sexually, she is lying because she is scared to hurt your feelings. Damn it, I can’t waste time taking these as pills! I’m gonna grind them into dust and snort them! The girls then try and tie this into a man’s confidence but that’s only so much trimming. They even claim that, subconsciously, every man knows he doesn’t measure up, even if he thinks he does.
“Can a guy be too big?” Frank asks. The three witches then confirm my suspicions by saying, categorically, no, never, not at all. A hot dog in a corridor? More like a matchstick in the Grand Canyon. Kim then insinuates she needs to leave right now to have sex. Nymphomania is a serious condition, damn it! Don’t encourage her, Bridgetta, get her help! Frank quickly takes the reigns before we can be shown the dark side of sexual addiction and we’re treated to more Bridgetta walking the streets (no, not yet!).
Bridgetta is not demonstrating the minimum length these fine ladies demand but width.
Bridgetta is not demonstrating the minimum length these fine ladies demand but width.
Extremely disconcertingly, Bridgetta seems to hanging out with a total stranger while conducting her usual interview with a couple. When the boyfriend remarks that, of course, he has become “bigger” through ExtenZe, creepy other man nods appreciatively before giving his positive review of the product as well. Polygamy? Spontaneous three-way? Wandering horny hobo? Don’t ask me.
Suddenly it’s midnight and yet another half of a couple immediately volunteers that he takes ExtenZe without prompting. Maybe that microphone Bridgetta wields is magic. Maybe her protruding nipples throw everyone off guard. This goes on through several different couples with very minor variations of the following.
Bridgetta “Hi, have you ever heard of a product called Ext–”
Man “Yes, I have, I’m taking it actually! It made me bigger!”
Woman “More stamina too!”
Bridgetta “Wow! Bigger, huh? Awesome!”
After a quick visit back to stool lady for the exact same spiel as before, we’re turned to the warm womb-like comfort of the Sex Talk studio where we’re joined by Dr. Daniel Stein. I love hard hitting interviews. Is it normal for guys to want to be bigger, Dr. Stein? Duh, Stein replies. All righty. Frank then slams down the next question; Is there any scientific basis for ExtenZe’s claims? Before Dr. Stein, MD, can open his mouth a lengthy disclaimer dives in at the bottom of the screen, making the legal touchdown necessary to ensure broadcast. Stein deftly explains that ExtenZe is a mixture of crap, each ingredient may possibly have the ability to potentially enhance the size of the male penis. Well, I’m sold. More ‘proof’ is given in two forms. First is the clause ridden verbiage that I potentially demonstrated to you possibly moments earlier. The second is for Stein to be so blunt, his answer could mean anything. “In my opinion, ExtenZe works.” At what? Increasing penis size? Increasing pleasure? Sexual stamina? Hives? He’ll never tellllll.
Oh sick! Dr. Stein, MD, demonstrates the increased stamina that comes from ExtenZe
Oh sick! Dr. Stein, MD, demonstrates the increased stamina that comes from ExtenZe
Bridgetta then has to play dumb in order to get Stein to give the simple, vague and thus harder to argue, version of how ExtenZe works. Basically; more blood flow to the schlong means a harder, larger tallywhacker to, uh, whack tallys with, I guess. Stein then states he knows of many medical practitioners who prescribe ExtenZe to their patients and also take it themselves (!!). “I even use it myself” he states. Oh, barf. Just… just… barf. Bridgetta Pistachio then has to pretend that this turns her on and makes a quick two second come on to Dr. Stein that is never referenced again. He then follows up by stating he “loves giving it to my patients”. I bet you do, you randy sod.
Frank then says he loves seeing “the guys on the street”. I give up. I don’t have to insinuate anything, do I? I am completely superfluous to requirements here. One of the new “on the street” meetings featuring a man who seems more interested in Bridgetta than his wife. This is partially explained as she has the most annoying giggle I have ever heard. Here’s my textual variant: “A-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!” Some very awkward faux-flirting goes on, too inane for me to even recap. Following that, we return to stool lady and things wrap up with some repeats of testimonials. Summary? “It gets bigger”. We then get an encore of the epic play, which I now title Waiting for Boners and we are out.
I honestly find the ExtenZe infomercial so ha ha-larious that I can’t really call it infomercial agony. But, erm, this paid programming provoked so many insecurities in me that I… well, I’ve tied my junk to several wild horses and I’m currently typing this on my cell phone as I’m dragged across the Nevada desert. And it didn’t even get bigger. I’ll be back once my groin is torn from the rest of me, setting me free. Future agony, you see. Later!
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